My Grandmother Visited Me as a Dragonfly (Not Clickbait)

I am not sure if I believe in reincarnation. But, I’d like to think I am open to any theory about what happens in the next life. I am a firm believer in signs and angels.

Yesterday (August 9th, 2021) when I was laying out by the pool a small dragonfly kept me company. It sat three inches from my towel the entire time I was outside. For hours we sat together while I read but I didn’t think much past its cuteness, it was the softest blue- gray color. When I went to start my daily routine of reading in the sun today (August 10th, 2021), I was scrolling through Spotify trying to find the album that would be the soundtrack to my day, and I decided on Evermore by Taylor Swift. It’s not your average pool- side album but nothing else felt right. I assumed my regular position by the pool and noticed my little friend was back.

This time, it was less timid, making camp right next to my towel and, I swear, burning holes in my side with its eyes. It occurred to me then how strange this behavior was but maybe it was just an odd dragonfly. It wasn’t until I was in a full on staring contest with this bug the size of my pinky finger that maybe this wasn't an ordinary occurrence. As I was staring back at the dragonfly, I noticed its body was the exact blue gray color of my grandmother's eyes. Such a specific blue that the only way I know to describe it is the color of her eyes. And as this is all coming together in my head, Taylor Swift's marjorie began to play. Maybe the reason I was so drawn to Evermore today was for this moment. For marjorie to come on the second I realized my grandmother was right next to me. If you’re unfamiliar, Taylor Swift’s song marjorie is an ode to her grandmother who she has lost. She sings “And if I didn't know better/ I'd think you were singing to me now/ If I didn't know better/ I'd think you were still around/ I know better/ But I still feel you all around/ I know better/But you're still around.” I should know better, that my grandmother has not reincarnated as a dragonfly but the moment was too perfect to be a coincidence, I felt her so strongly in that moment it must be real! It all felt so overwhelming.

I quickly ran to my phone to take a picture of this tiny creature creating such a cathartic experience for me, needing proof when I wake up tomorrow this whole moment was real. (It was, I have the photo.) Then, to further my theory, I decided to look up the meaning of dragonflies (all while keeping a close eye on my own dragonfly, making sure it didn’t leave before I could say goodbye). Many different websites and others' own experiences told me that “the thing that makes dragonflies so unique and special is that they have very short lives. They don’t have any time to waste, so when they are near you, you can bet they have a very good reason.” Often dragonflies visit you when you’re stressed or need to emphasize something important. Now, I keep coming back to a moment, when I think of the dragonfly, that happened the day I was supposed to leave for college. It’s no secret that I had a pretty rough experience leaving for school. Which continued through the beginning of my freshmen year, but on the day I left I went to visit my grandparents while my flight across the country approached like a storm. I hadn’t really told anyone of my anxieties leaving for school except my own mother, yet as soon as I walked into my grandparents house my nanny knew. She always knew. She led me to her office, a place where I could sob in her arms in peace, and that’s exactly what I did. We sat and she held me as I cried and cried. Just repeating that I was going to be fine, she said she knew I would be fine. She is always my greatest comforter, even after death. The time in which she came to see me is not insignificant. Around this time we were packing up my grandparents house and preparing to sell it. For a year and half their house had sat untouched (largely due to the pandemic) but it was a comfort for me knowing that this part of them was still there. In some way, my grandparents were not gone as long as all their things were still a street away from me. I could go into their home and immediately be comforted by their smell and all their belongings. But in a few weeks, that was going to be gone. The home they built to be closer to my family would belong to strangers. New smells, objects, and memories would fill those rooms. And she came to tell me it was okay. It was okay to continue on with my life and that at some point their house had to go as well. She came to comfort me.

Now convinced of my grandmother sitting next to me, I began having full on conversations with her. I told her how much I missed her every day and how I thought it would be easier by now to wake up and not think of her. How cheated I felt of all the big life moments we were supposed to have together. How sad I was that they were selling the house and how I would kill to be held in her arms and hear her call me “her beautiful” one more time. Mostly I kept saying ‘but how cool that I am getting these extra seconds with you, I didn’t think it was possible!’

I am completing this piece nearly a month later. Everytime I began to think about this moment, let alone write it down, I got so overcome with emotion I had to stop. Even now, I write through tears. It feels as though I got even two extra hours with her. My incredible, loving, comforting, grandmother. It makes so much sense to me that this is how she would return to me. As a simple dragonfly. She was never one to draw attention to herself. She wouldn’t come to me as a rainbow or bright orange butterfly but as a dragonfly sharing the perfect blue of eyes to sit and give me a few more moments of her peace.

So I am choosing to believe in the impossible whether you think I am crazy or not. I believe that my grandmother will always sit next to me and allow me to feel what I need to feel and say what I can’t say to anyone else.

Dragonfly

In your last letter to me you wrote,

‘I hope to visit you soon.’

Now I walk through your home,

collecting the items I am meant to remember you by.

Your house will soon belong to someone new-

another piece of you disappearing with time.

Your smell will fade from the spaces you used to occupy;

Your jacket is now collecting my scent in my closet.

But you will stay

Right by my side;

As the rainbows and the moon

But also as the dragonfly

Close and indiscreet.