Depression, The Pandemic, and Social Media

Recently I have felt completely unmotivated to write (or do anything creatively really). In fact, I have written one sentence in my journal since the eighteenth of March (don’t worry, you’ll see this sentence later.) The day I am sitting down and writing this is the twentieth of April. Nearly a whole month of being absolutely uninspired to write. But, did I mention, there is also a pandemic keeping me in my home and throwing my mental illness for a loop.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was eighteen years old (but, many symptoms have been a constant in my life throughout high school.) It is not new for me. I have learned what works for me to deal with it (thanks escitalopram.) I realize having depression does not make me special, it is not a quirk, and it’s not my go-to fun fact. About sixteen million adults in the United States (6.7% of American adults) have anxiety/depression, but I am more than a statistic and I have my own way of dealing with the things that come with depression and social anxiety. For me, having a schedule and things to do to get me out of the house make my days better. Being with people who I can have meaningful conversations with makes my days better. Conversations that make me think, laugh; uncomfortable conversations, real words, not empty small talk. And, as previously mentioned (in case you are unaware) there is currently a pandemic that has kept me from both of those things.

In the Dallas- Fort Worth Metroplex, we have been advised to social distance ourselves since around the eleventh of March. Social distancing really cuts off the joy that I find in having a schedule and having real conversation. At the start of social distancing, pre-shelter in place, I saw various social media posts about how great works of art and literature were created during strange times like these. (For example, Edvard Munch painted The Scream during a plague). With only one or two days of isolation under my belt, I thought, yeah, I am going to take this time to write and watch documentaries and fill my brain with as much knowledge as possible. Said posts were encouraging people to continue to create, grow, and be productive with your time even though there is an unknown, uncontainable virus ravaging the earth. As the tension grew and lockdowns/shelter in place started happening, the posts started turning into phrases such as “productivity may look a little different right now” and “find a way to be productive through this.” I feel my thoughts have directly opposed what social media and productivity standards are telling me to do.

The longer the at home orders last and the more urgent social media becomes about staying productive, the less and less I want to do anything. The posts just make me mad. Why in the middle of a pandemic is society still expecting people to create great works and be functioning humans? There is a standard that if you are not creating or gaining knowledge that your time is not valuable. But, with anxiety and depression, the Coronavirus has really caused all things that keep me happy and stable to come to a halt. My days, once filled with a schedule of classes, clubs, and meals, have now turned into a 24 hour free for all. Sometimes, I take two or three hour naps in the afternoon just because it is two or three hours passed. I start and watch the first five minutes of multiple movies cause nothing really holds my interest. Then, I end up back on social media scrolling through the posts that tell me we'll get through this and letting me know to keep on being productive! Does that make my time unimportant since I am not coming out of the pandemic with a fresh 800 page novel or the next great painting?

The phrase “productivity may look a bit different right now” implies that although it may be from inside your home, you should still be your pre-Pandemic productive self. It can look different but it must still be there. You must still prove your good enough by churning out work. This is not going to be the time of our lives. It is not going to be the start of my best self. It is a time where life is put on hold and we wait. But, social media thrives on life happening, not life on pause. And heaven forbid that your friends and followers learn that you haven't gotten out of bed today. As for the aforementioned only sentence I have written this quarantine: “Fuck productivity standards.”