I'm 21; I Want to be Everything and Nothing.

I find it extremely ridiculous that our culture places so much value on being one thing when you grow up. As soon as you graduate college you’re supposed to have it all figured out. But even before entering college, you’re supposed to narrow down all your interests, hobbies, and talents and choose one to focus on. Therefore, one's future career plan is determined at age 18. I am only four years older than 18 and even now I can confidently say I was a baby! At 18, I decided that the one interest I wanted to narrow in on and pursue for the rest of my life was journalism. And now, it feels like the last thing I want to do. I am 21; I want to be everything and nothing. Mostly, I want the opportunity to explore everything and nothing.

Inside, I am still a kid. You ask me what I want to do when I graduate college and my answers may be more sophisticated than a unicorn or princess but they’re just as scattered and they're still ever-changing. Some days it's a teacher, or writer, editor, or communications director, interior designer, or TV writer, drop everything and work seasonal jobs in a mountain town, or move to Maine and start a farm. There are so many things I am interested in and want to pursue and some days the idea of working in an office everyday for the rest of my life just to get by knocks me to my knees. But what scares me the most is not getting the opportunity to try.

This spring, finishing up my junior year in college, all anyone could talk about were internships and how stressed they were to find the perfect one for their resume. Everytime the conversation started, I became extremely anxious. I was applying to internships as well but I didn't feel the same stress because if I didn’t get one, I would be okay. It is my last summer of undergrad. A piece of me ( a very large piece) just wanted to be able to hangout with friends and be young. I didn’t feel it was time to throw myself into the corporate world. But, that feeling of wanting “one last summer” felt like the wrong one when I was talking to internship-chasing friends. If I said I didn’t want a 40-hour-a-week internship and to live in an office this summer I would be looked down upon. How could I explain that I wasn’t being lazy, I wanted more time to read on things that interested me, write what I wanted to write, or create art without being told what to read, write, create, or learn. For me, I get the most out of learning when I do it outside of the classroom. On my own time is where I have found things I really love doing and would want to pursue. When I sit in a classroom and learn how to be something, I get bored and grow passive towards the subject. See: resentment towards journalism.

Let us circle back (wink- wink) to the idea of being lazy because you don’t have a nine-to- five job where you sit at a computer all day. I am not lazy because I spend my time observing the world. Observation turns into inspiration for poetry and art. Choosing to stay home and watch a movie is not necessarily lazy. These nights taught me how to observe aspects of cinema and review and compare movies. The same goes with reading. Watching and reading teaches me different ways of viewing the world. All of this can be done in my bedroom, but I am using my mind much more than I would be going through the motions of an office job. That is just the way my brain works. If it were this simple, I could live happily in my bubble of creativity not caring what others may view as lazy, but unfortunately there’s always money to think about.

We live in a capitalistic society driven by success, and that success is defined by monetary value. All of the things I find most interesting in life, in professional settings, make little to no money. So in society, they are looked down upon because, comparatively, I could do something more worth my time (a.k.a. something that makes me more money). But, am I willing to sacrifice my happiness for money? I can’t seem to make a good argument for being unhappy just to be successful in the eyes of my peers. I can take all the poetry and English classes I want in college but after college, what will I do if I can’t support myself in the fields I love? Viewing things strictly for their monetary value strips them of their enjoyment. I want to “do what I love so that I never work a day in my life” but our society has said that my field of interest is not interesting, or beneficial, enough for a liveable paycheck. Oh to live in the days where the arts were glorified and we lived in the barter system alone!

All of this is to say that I messed up. I am studying a subject I do not care about and live in a world where my dreams are not profitable enough to sustain basic needs. By next May, I am supposed to know exactly what I want to do with my life and have jobs lined up to accomplish it all. How can I possibly know who and what I want to be when I am only 21 and have never seen the majority of the world? By jumping right into the work-force after college, aren't we just limiting ourselves? There is so much of myself I have yet to discover and figure out. I know I won't figure it out sitting at a desk forty hours a week. I am only 21; a baby! I want time to have a quarter-life crisis, stay in hostels, live in a van, see the whole world, and read classic novels before I sit and decide what career I want to pursue. I am not sure it's possible to know who I am without doing all those things. Just respectfully allow me time to figure it out. Don’t call me lazy for taking my time or immature for bouncing around and pursuing all my interests. Life should be more than devoting myself to one thing before my brain has even finished developing.