Transcript: Suburban Elitist Tries to Pick a Movie to Watch

It’s just one of the many days that occurred this winter break. After hanging out all day, we have decided to go back to someone's house to watch something. This time we have decided to settle at Caroline’s and are sprawled across her couch looking for something to watch. As a group of friends, we are all very indecisive and get side tracked way too often.

Content was cut and edited for the sake of your sanity and the fact that our parents have access to this… We have to laugh.

Shannon: It’s just Suburban Elitist tries to find a movie...

Julie: ...to watch and then we never will!

Shannon: One movie!

Caroline: This is like when you sit behind someone on an airplane and you’re watching them scroll through the movies.

Shannon: Oh my gosh! I’m the person scrolling!

Caroline: Sometimes, I sit on a flight and that is my entertainment trying to watch them.

Shea: And you’re secretly rooting for something…

Shannon: Well, I always start something, watch the first five minutes and then it’s like… I don’t want to watch this anymore, and do that until it’s too late to start a movie.

Caroline: Drinks were served, cleared.

Julie: And also I don't like the idea of the person behind me like peeking through and watching me pick something to watch… it’s embarrassing!

Caroline: The male gaze. LITERALLY the male gaze!

Shannon: No, I watched Call Me By Your Name on a 6:30 am flight to New York and I know the person behind me watching Timmy put his fingeez in peach…

Caroline: a.m. ?!

Shannon: AT 6:30 A.M. !

Julie: (through laugher) This is a morning flight ?! Shannon: Yes! Literally 6:30 a.m. !

Caroline, Shannon, Shea, and Julie all over each other all slightly laughing.

Caroline: A treat.

Shea: Yeah… a morning treat.

Julie: A treat!

Shannon: Yeah I was like ohh! Peach! A treat!

Julie: Let's do some scrolling.

Caroline: Should I switch to Hulu?

Shannon: I am CERTAIN there is nothing on Hulu.

(SPOILER ALERT: we end up watching something on Hulu)

Shea: All of our sponsored content with them…

Shannon: (laughing) Now Hulu will never sponsor us!

Caroline: Okay we’ll just rip up Netflix at the same rate so...

Julie: We need to not talk about this...

Julie (speaking to our listeners aka you): Umm… I don’t want to say anything… but we do have something in the works...

*Shannon and Shea over each other… again*

Shannon: Stop! No! Julie!

Shea: Julie, we can cut stuff out! We’re cutting that out!

Julie (quietly…): okay...

Caroline (imitating Julie): okay...

Shannon: I was gonna say, “Timmy boinked a peach,” but I said “put his fingeez in peach” because...

Julie: Is fingeez really better?

Caroline: Now we have to figure out how to spell fingeez?!

Shannon: I’ll tell you! F-I-N-G-G...no

(Everyone erupts in laughter)

Shannon: F-I-N-G-E-E-S fingeez!

Julie: No! F-I-N-G-E-Y-S

Shannon: No! Double E’s!

Shea (addressing the audience aka you): Leave a comment down below!

Shannon: Should we do a poll on our Instagram? How would you spell “fingeez”?

Referring back to Netflix, talking about the “shuffle play” on Netflix.

Julie: Should we shuffle?

Shannon: LET’S SHUFFLE!

Shea (clapping): Yeah! Let’s shuffle!

Caroline: No…

Shannon: Please?! I think it will be funny!

Shea: I just want to see what comes up!

Caroline: I literally don’t know how.

Shannon: You press “try it now”

Shea: You press “play something”

Shannon: I’m scared

Shea: What if they start playing Emily in Paris?

Caroline: I bet they only put Netflix Originals…

We press “shuffle” and error comes up.

All of us collectively: Ohhhh…

Shea: Error…

Shannon (to the audience): It’s an error, guys. For those of you watching at home, an error occurred.

Caroline: I can’t wait for Shannon to transcribe this…

Shannon: Oh, I’m not doing it.

Caroline: Oh, I KNEW you weren’t gonna do it

Shannon: I’m gonna send it to you.

Caroline: I knew that was gonna happen.

Shea: I was literally about to offer, but go off

Shannon: Oh… then I’ll send it to you.

Caroline: Yeah, girly, you take it.

Shannon: All I know is I am not transcribing this... hoobity-hobity-whatabe… Ugh really? For those watching at home, it did another error so…

Julie (laughing): This hoobity-hobity-whatabe…

Shannon: This gobble… all this goop

Caroline: It did another error…

Shannon (more sing song): Guys, we could watch Little Drummer Girl.

Caroline: Honestlyyyy… no.

Julie: I can’t start another series right now

Shea (imitating Shannons sing-song voice): We could rewatch Dickinson.

Shannon: I rewatched the first episode of Bly Manor and then I was like “no, I don’t want to do this” so I rewatched the first episode of Normal People and I was like “no, I don’t want to do this” I NEED a new limited series. I’m gonna gauge my eyeballs out.

Shea: Watch Russian Doll.

Julie: Yeah

Shannon: Is it a limited series?

Shea: Yeah

Julie: I mean it’s getting another season but…

Caroline: Julie what episode-

Shea (completely cutting off Caroline): IS IT? WHY? Like yes…

Julie: I think it’s getting another season

Shannon: Are we watching Dickinson?

Caroline: I don’t know I’m just trying to see what loads which is nothing!

Shannon: Suburban Elitist tries to find something to watch. Nothing loads.

Julie: (back to Shea about Russian Doll): I thought they were because of the ending

Shea: No, but the ending was so like…

Julie: I don’t know I just immediately took the ending as there was gonna be another season.

Shea (to Julie): yeah…

Shannon: What is it even about?

Julie (completely ignoring Shannon): Also okay… there are just so many layers to-

Shannon: It’s like an onion.

Julie: like I really did not get it until after-

Shannon: Guys, Shrek is on Hulu!

Shea: Shrek 2?

Shannon: No, Shrek.

Shea: Damn, I like Shrek 2.

Julie: I was never allowed to watch Shrek as a child.

Shea & Shannon (in sync): Why?????

Julie: Potty language

Caroline: I hate that word

Shannon (referring to our highschool theatre teacher): Mr. Werntz literally said Shrek IS Jesus

Caroline: What do you mean? He is literally a Christ figure.

Shea: Shrek is love. Shrek is life.

Julie: Angie Fenske did not think that when I was a child. She also said the same thing about Spongebob.

Shannon: I wasn’t allowed to watch Spongebob.

Caroline: Neither was I

Shea: I wasn’t either, but I also did not care… Sorry to all our Spongebob lovers out there.

Shannon: I didn’t really know what I was missing out on. I just watched Phineas and Ferb.

Julie: Phineas and Ferb is LITERALLY prestige TV. Change my mind.

Shannon: Me and Patrick LOVED Phineas and Ferb.

Shannon (to Shea): Wait! Do your Perry! Do Perry!

Julie (addressing readers): Shea is gonna do an impression of Perry

Caroline: Emily in Paris? (pronounces French pronunciation of “Emily” so it rhymes “Paris” in french with “Paree”)

Shea: *attempts a Perry the Platypus sound. It is not good*

Shannon (through laughter): That wasn’t it!

Shea: *tries again and fails* Wait, I can’t do it now it’s under pressure!

Shannon: The way your like *imitates Shea* (laughs). It’s more like spitty like gurgly.

Caroline: It’s guttural

Shea: *tries AGAIN very quietly*

Shannon: That’s better!

Shea: Yeah. It was really quiet.

Shannon: Perry’s whispering

Julie (as she’s scrolling through Twitter): Why are people speculating that Harry [Styles] is gonna be in a Marvel movie?

Shannon: I’d rather shoot myself in the vagina.

Julie: ALL offense to the Marvel community! All offense to the Marvel community.

Shannon: I’d rather take my own ovaries out-

Caroline: Perform your own hysterectomy.

Shannon: -with chopsticks

Julie: Yeah?

Shea: with CHOPSTICKS?

Shannon: Yeah. I would perform my own hysterectomy then see Harry Styles get cast in mainstream media such as Marvel.

Caroline: What is it called when-

Shea interrupts SOMEHOW still on Russian Doll. This whole time she had been googling about the second season of Russian Doll.

Shea: It was initially cast as a 3 season story… back to Russian Doll.

Julie: Yeah, we need to all watch it and discuss actually I think.

Shea: I genuinely don’t… I remember it, but I don’t know if I got it got it.

Julie: And also there's a lot of cool little tiny details like how she's a video game designer and it’s like they’re stuck in a video game.

Shea: Yes!! And like… yes oh my god... okay, I did make that connection. I wasn’t smooth brained back in freshman year thankfully.

Shannon: Oh I’m so smooth brained.

(Julie is sitting next to Shannon on the couch. Julie is subconsciously playing with her rings which means her elbow has been subconsciously hitting Shannon for a while. Shannon finally gets fed up and makes more room between her and Julie. Julie looks over to see how much space is in between Shea and Shannon on the other side.)

Shea: Yeah there is more space…

Julie: YEAH THERE IS SOME MORE FREAKING SPACE

Shannon: There’s also more space on YOUR side too!

Julie: We’re cutting that out…

There is a long pause.

Caroline: Who’s we?

Shannon: Are YOU transcribing it?

Shea (imitating Rita Skeeter from Harry Potter): Me, myself, and I would like to know…

Julie: I actually have to move out of my entire apartment so… no.

Shannon: Well then it looks like you’re not in charge.

Julie: But I can help edit… as I did last time.

Shannon: Why was that a dig at me that you helped edit the transcript last time? I didn’t offer to.

Julie: I know. That was the dig.

Shannon: I’m not an editor.

Julie: The Dig... coming out on Netflix this month.

Shannon (upon seeing The Secret Life of Walter Mitty pop up on screen): Guys, Aidan got a Secret Life of Walter Mitty wallet for Christmas.

Caroline: Okay what? What does that even mean?

Shea: I watched it in theatres when I was too young to understand what was going on, but so many people are like “it’s such a great film!” and I was like I literally didn’t understand it.

Shannon: I literally didn’t understand it.

Shea: I… can’t take… Ben Stiller...serious.

Shannon: I can’t take Ben Stiller serious when he is not standing next to Crystal the capuchin monkey.

Shea: So true!

Caroline: Do we just want to watch Booksmart?

Shea and Shannon: SHREK!

Shea: But I wouldn’t mind Gone Girl…I like that movie.

Caroline: I’ve never seen it…

Shannon: You haven’t?

Shea: I just love Gillian Flynn.

Shannon (loudly sings): God’s Own Country

Shea (matching Shannon’s singing): Never again

Julie and Caroline: We paid money for that?!

Shannon: Yeah, cause it wasn’t on Hulu at the time.

Caroline: That is so humiliating.

Julie: That’s embarrassing for us!

Shannon: Portrait of a Lady on Fire!

Caroline: I’ve still never seen that or Shirley.

Shannon: I know!

Caroline (referencing the movie I Still Believe): Okay we also paid money for THIS. The way we…

Shannon: No we didn’t. We watched it on Hulu.

Caroline: Okay thank GOD.

Shea (singing quietly): I still believeeee

Caroline: I thought you paid like $7.99

Shannon: The way we never finished I Still Believe.

Julie: We know what happens at the end! He writes the song…

Caroline: She hadn’t even died yet! We couldn’t get through it.

Shannon: No, we couldn’t even watch her die.

Julie: She had just died and we turned it off with the 20 minutes left.

Shea (referencing back to the screen): Melancholia is (voice drops several octaves) DEEP.

Caroline: Can we rewatch I,Tonya???

Shannon: Melancholia?

Shea: Yeah.

Shannon: That has Alexander Skaarsgard in it. It's been on my watchlist.

Shea: I,Tonya?

Shannon: No, I’ve never seen I, Tonya.

Julie: You haven’t??

Shannon: No.

Caroline: Um… no I’m serious I’d watch I,Tonya or Gone Girl…

Shannon: Melancholia…

Caroline: There were some other ones we had named that wouldn’t be embarrassing

Shannon: I want to see that too!

Julie: It’s kinda boring…

Shannon: Really?

Caroline: The Assistant?

Shannon: (speaking as though she is addressing a podcast) For those watching at home we’re talking about The Assistant.

Julie: It’s literally just her whole day and like every little thing she does that day and like it’s kinda interesting… but like it’s really slow and not that much happens except this one scene with her and Mr. Darcy 2005 Pride and Prejudice as a guy from HR who does nothing.

Shannon: My dad?

Julie: Yeah but… not Sean (pronounced like “seen”)

Shannon: Just kidding, Dad! Umm…

Caroline: Wild about HR

Shannon: My dad is actually a very good HR… man. He’s known in the… uh… HR community. He is very coveted in HR businesses.

Caroline: Okay…

Shannon: Love you, Dad! (blows kiss to the phone that is recording this)

Julie: If you’re listening.

Shannon: Who am I kidding?! He doesn’t read Suburban Elitist. He just followed us on instagram like a week ago.

Caroline: I mean… yeah

Julie: This is true.

Caroline: The way our parents aren’t even our audience anymore…

Shannon: I know!

Caroline: We can’t even guarantee that audience.

Shannon: We cannot even guarantee our parents.

Caroline: OKAY SO… We’ve narrowed it down to I, Tonya, Gone Girl… there were others…

Shannon: Shirley was on the list, but I don’t want to watch Shirley again.

Caroline: Okay. There is no interest in Bombshell.

Shannon and Shea: We saw it.

Caroline: Oh, you did?

Julie: Why did that get nominated for so many Oscars? Like what was the reason?

Caroline: It’s just candy-coated feminism I don't know.

Shea: People tried to say that about Promising Young Woman

Shannon: THAT’S where you’re wrong.

Shea: Mhmm “candy-coated and hollow inside”

Caroline: I saw that quote.

Shea: And I was like… did a man write this review...?

Shannon: Umm yeah. They obviously didn’t discuss it in depth afterwards.

Caroline: Umm yeah. What they said.

Caroline: Okay, so we’ve come to a Gone Girl or I, Tonya conclusion here.

Shannon: yeah.

Caroline: Honestly, This is… embarrassingly fast for us making a selection .

(Shea transcribing would like to disagree on this.)

Julie: Hulu had too many good options for some weird reason.

Shannon: What time is it?

Julie: 9:30

Shannon: How long are they?

Caroline: I, Tonya is two hours and 13 minutes.

Julie: Really?!

Caroline: No.

Julie: Oh.

Caroline and Shannon: Two hours.

Caroline: What’s your guess for Gone Girl?

Julie: It’s definitely over 2 hours.

Shannon: It’s definitely two hours and fifteen minutes.

Julie: David does not do anything under two hours

Caroline (imitating Alexis from Schitt's Creek): Eww, David!

Shannon: It’s David Fincher!! The man of Mank!

All of us: *make vomiting noise* Do NOT talk about that!

Julie: That was embarrassing for him!

Shannon: Sorry! SORRY!

Caroline: No, we should be brave enough to say Mank was bad.

Shea: Oh no, it was bad but David Fincher has done too many good things to go down for Mank. Hey! His dad wrote that.

Caroline: Good people can make bad art, Little Fires Everywhere THE SHOW.

Shea: The SHOWWWwwwWWW

Shannon: The Greta Gerwig BARBIE Movie. I don’t know probably!

Caroline: We don’t know yet!

Shannon: Probably! Probably. probably...

Shea: And we have to be open to that.

Shannon: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

Shea and Shannon (quoting Booksmart): Don’t knock it… until you’ve tried it.

Shannon: What if we just post a video of us reenacting the entirety of Booksmart as our new content?

Caroline: Honestlyyyy…

(We finally see how long Gone Girl is.)

Shannon: Two hours and twe- NO. It’s gotta be I, Tonya.

Julie: I forgot Neil Patrick Harris is in this.

Shea: Yes!

Caroline: That’s all l hear about.

Shannon: Neil Patrick Harris?

Caroline: Mhm.

Shannon: What do you mean?

Caroline: In this. Like that’s what people still make jokes about.

Shannon: Yeah because the scene with her and him is COMEDY. It is so funny!

Julie: It is comedy. He literally exists to die.

Shea: He literally lives to die and you know the minute you see him and he’s like…

Shannon: For those watching at home we have come to a conclusion we will be watching I, Tonya tonight! Can I get a round of applause?

Nobody but Shannon starts clapping.

Caroline: This IS the Margot Robbie stan movie.

Julie: It is!